question of the week: who pays on birthdays?

One of the juiciest debates we've had on the blog so far has been about the etiquette of who should pay at a birthday dinner.

This in turn led to a big confab in the Evite offices. Here's how it all went down: Eviter Jordan likes to pay on his birthday, while Lindsay is part of a group of friends who lets the birthday person pick the place but always treats that person. For Kimberly and me, birthday bill-sharing depends on the friends, and we go with whatever flow happens to be flowing ... but occasionally grumble about it afterwards. 

So that was only part one. We haven't even begun talking about the nuances, like whether the person who does the inviting is responsible for paying. Or whether those who order the most should foot most of the bill. Or whether those who make more money should chip in extra. It's a pickle, I tell you.

So now we're taking it to the streets. Let us know your thoughts.

twiigs.com...

Comments

I answered "Everybody but... " but I was speaking for work-lunch birthdays (usually verbal extemporaneous invite).

Whether inviting people to a restaurant for your own birthday, or planning one for a family member/close friend, you should really specify up front. May sound tacky, but relieves everyone of the awkward moment when the check arrives.
Evite is unique in that it's half-written, half-verbal invite, so it's a perfect way of letting folks know without having to speak the words.

I don't think it is as black and white as the poll may suggest. I think if the birthday person is having some sort of outing or activity (bowling party, for example) the person throwing the party should foot the cost of the activity and probably for the food. Drinks are a whole 'nother ball game and I usually leave that to my friends to pay (as many are big drinkers).

If, on the other hand, it is more of a dinner, I think everybody but the birthday person should pay. That is, unless, the birthday person makes it clear that s/he is treating the crowd and then s/he should pay.

All that being said, I always attend assuming I will pay, offer to pay and then (on occasion) am happily surprised if I don't have to foot some part of the bill.

One more thing. I agree with MTAG about specifying in the Evite invitation. I always indicate (in the lightest way possible) who is paying for what to manage all my friends' expectations. Then, you don't have to worry about post-party grumbling.

I always like to have people over for a birthday party at my house. That way, they don't get forced to cover my bill as well as theirs, but it's more affordable for me to provide food and drink for everyone than it would be if we went out. Granted, it's more work having to throw your own party, but you can have whatever you want (lobster? Dom Perignon?) for your birthday without having to feel the guilt of making others pay for it. But recently, my husband wanted to do his birthday out at an Irish bar. Most people ended up ordering food as well as drinks and everyone split the bill. But afterward I regretted not just footing it for everyone. I go to lots of other birthday dinners where I expect to pay (and do), but I still think it was a little tacky that we invited people out for an evening they felt they had to attend (it's their friend's BIRTHDAY, after all) and that they then had to pay for, whether they liked it or not. Not that anyone complained, but I wouldn't do it that way again.

I am a firm believer that the birthday person should never have to pay. Way back during our more poverty-stricken days (right out of college, for example) my friends and I all went dutch because that would enable everyone to go -- having to come up with extra $$ would be a dealbreaker for some. Nowadays though, we all pitch in to cover the birthday person, and the meal is sort of an additional gift above and beyond whatever present(s) we might have brought him/her. I would actually be very uncomfortable if the birthday person ended up paying.

We always tell the birthday girl we'd like to take her out to celebrate and then let her pick the restaurant. She, out of politeness, picks a restaurant in the price range we would normally eat at, orders what she would normally order, and offers to pay. We, of course, insist on treating her, though.

I don't think the options cover the bases. I'd say, instead of "Everybody but the birthday person," it might make more sense as "ANYone but the birthday person." A partner of the birthday person who invites a bunch of folks along, ought to pay; If a bunch of friends come up with the idea, they should pay; if the birthday person, herself, asks everyone over to her house, everyone should offer to bring something to help out, but I suppose it would be understood that she is the hostess, adn is covering the basics.

I know this is AMERICAN tradition that is being polled here, though. Ask someone German! Their tradition, as I understand it, includes the birthday person giving gifts to others, not receiving from others...

BUT, that is the ADULT situation. In the case of a kids' party, the host parents cover it all, including goody bags. I don't think I've seen that done any other way. Parents can pick a budget, and the party becomes part of their gift to the child, but I would never ask people to bring anything to a kids' party, other than maybe a costume, if it's thematic. They all do, of course, bring gifts for the birthday child.

My choice would be a combo of everyone but the birthday person, and the birthday person's partner.

If I throw a restaurant birthday party for my partner with 6 total people attending, I would expect the four guests to pay for their own meals, while I would put in enough to cover myself and my partner.

That way you're not asking everyone to chip in extra.

Just my preference.

I hear people saying they would make it clear ahead of time who would pay.... I am wondering how to word that on an evite. I am organizing a "moving away" party at a restaurant for a friend and the best deal is to do a pre-set menu family style but how do I nicely tell people they will be paying their share.. say, $25 all inclusive.....? Any way I try it sounds a little tacky but I cant afford to pick up the whole bill for 12-14 people.

In reference to Pat's dilemma, I think that if you put in the evite how much the dinner will be (as it's a pre-set menu) then it's not tacky. You can word it like, "Let's all have dinner with Sue before she moves," or, "Let's treat Sue to dinner." If you say "I'd like to invite you to a dinner to say goodbye to Sue..." then I'd assume you'll be paying. But always bring money just in case!

Here's a situation- we were invited to a close friends 'birthday dinner' by her husband. We had to travel 3 hours to get to the restaurant. There were less than 10 people in attendance. Nothing was said prior to the event about payment arragements, but with the small group assuming the inviter (her husband) would be picking up the check, especially since evryone had travelled to attend. After eating and preparing for the three hour ride home, we find ourselves paying our own bill, as well as kicking in for the birthday girls portion.... anyone else see this the way I do?

G, People, just bring $50 (or so), it would be be the best party ever. Olga loves you, you love her. Let's give to everybody love. She loves you...!!! C ya.